The following post was written on Dec. 31, 2016. It was meant to be my first post for my first blog. I am posting it now, six months later, because that's how long it took me to get the courage to finally launch this thing.
I would like to say goodbye. It is time for me to become the person I am supposed to be. For too long I have been afraid of that person, afraid of my own voice, my own needs. I silenced them because they would often inconvenience others. For some reason I have felt the need to make everyone else comfortable at the expense of myself. Friends, boyfriends, coworkers and family have all benefited and some taken advantage of the fact that I am too nice and too considerate. Don’t get me wrong I am by no means a saint nor am I a doormat, I just almost always put myself last. I know for a fact that it is a common trait for women to behave this way. I have had this conversation over and over again with my friends when our significant others fail to do for us as we do for them. That’s not fair though, you’re asking someone to be something that they are not and that never works. Which brings me to my next point. I am done trying to be something I’m not for other people. Recently I told myself that I could be the type of person that could have a casual, no title “situationship” HA! Not me at all yet I was the one pushing for it. It was cool at first but the reality of it is that I am a “girlfriend girl". I am giving and supportive and I love to cook for my man (really well if I do say so myself). I’m a care taker, and when I'm with someone intimately, I want to build them and their dreams up. The thing is I don’t know how to scale that back. While I enjoyed the fun times I had with my non-boyfriend, taking trips, going out and experiencing new things, I was depriving myself of what I needed. When we met I did not need or want to be in a relationship which is how I ended up in the “situationship” smh. It was a great experience with a great person but I had to recognize when it was time to let it go. Too often we hold on to people, jobs, and clothes that no longer fit us. We keep them because they are comfortable and familiar. I have a bad habit of holding onto things until they fall part. Sure I see the signs early on, frustration and boredom at work, unfulfilled needs in a relationship, the inner thighs of my jeans starting to thin out lol. But I hold on because the job is flexible and easy. The relationship can get better if we can get our communication together and my jeans will be fine, thick thighs save lives and aren’t holes in jeans in right now anyway? The problem with this logic is that I am holding myself back from greater things out of fear. Change has never felt good to me except when I dyed my hair. I am afraid of the unknown. What if I hate the next job more, what if he’s my soulmate and this is just a rough patch? I’m no longer letting the fear control my life. I am standing apologetically in my truth and light and only holding on to things that serve me positively. I will always be considerate and giving but not everyone deserves it. I will take the time to heal myself before I allow people into my life and I will let go of everything when it no longer has a positive impact on my spirit. I realize now that this reads as a diary entry but I’m ok with that because the last thing I am saying goodbye to is concern over what other people think. My name is Danielle, but you can call me Elyse. Welcome to my world, according to me.
